How to Find What You Actually Enjoy (When You’ve Been Focused on Everyone Else)

If you have spent years putting everyone else first (your kids, partner, work, or aging parents) you might suddenly realize you have no idea what you enjoy anymore. This is especially common for women who’ve been running on autopilot, balancing endless responsibilities, and prioritizing others’ needs over their own. In my Bay Area-based coaching practice, I work with clients to help them reconnect with their emotions, discover what brings them energy, and create a life that feels more like their own.

If you’ve spent years prioritizing other people’s needs, it can feel almost impossible to answer a simple question:

“What do I actually enjoy?”

Many people find themselves at an impasse after career, relationships, parenting, or family responsibilities have kept them tuned into everyone else’s preferences. Somewhere along the way, your own got quieter or disappeared entirely. This isn’t a sign you’re broken or unmotivated, it’s often the result of deeply ingrained patterns that started a long time ago.

Why It’s So Hard to Know What You Enjoy

One of the most common culprits is people pleasing. Contrary to the name, people pleasing isn’t just about being “nice”. It’s a survival strategy.

If you grew up in an environment where approval, love, or safety depended on keeping others happy, you learned to:

• Constantly scan for other people’s needs

• Anticipate potential conflict and smooth it over

• Adapt your own behavior (and even feelings) to keep the peace

Over time, this pulls you away from your own emotional signals. It’s like being handed a compass and told to follow it… but every time you glance at it, someone else turns the needle. Eventually, you stop looking at it altogether.

When you’ve disconnected from your emotions as a coping mechanism, it’s not surprising that “What do you enjoy?” feels like a blank page.

Step 1: Start with Curiosity, Not Pressure

The goal here isn’t to suddenly “find your passion” or overhaul your life overnight. Instead, think of this as relearning a language, the language of your own enjoyment.

Start with:

• Noticing small sparks: What makes you smile? What makes time pass faster?

• Separating preference from obligation: Do you like the activity itself, or do you just like how it makes others feel?

Write these observations down when you notice them, documenting helps you see patterns you’d otherwise miss.

Step 2: Experiment on a Small Scale

When you’ve been disconnected from your own enjoyment, you might feel pressure to get it “right” immediately. But this is where a low-stakes approach works best.

Think in mini experiments:

• Try one new recipe, not a month-long cooking challenge

• Take a beginner’s class in something that’s always intrigued you

• Spend 20 minutes outdoors doing nothing but noticing

The beauty of experiments is that they remove the expectation of perfection. Your only job is to see what happens.

Step 3: Pay Attention to Body Feedback

When you’re relearning enjoyment, your body is your best data source. Ask yourself during and after an activity:

• Do I feel more energized or more drained?

• Did I lose track of time?

• Did I feel present, or was I preoccupied with how it looked or sounded to others?

If the answer is “energized,” “present,” or “time flew by,” you’ve hit a potential yes. If not, that’s data too.

Step 4: Remove the Guilt

Guilt often shows up the second you start focusing on yourself. Especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe that your worth is tied to serving others.

Remind yourself:

• Enjoyment is not selfish

• You can still care for others and yourself

• The more fulfilled you are, the more authentic your contributions become

Step 5: Repeat Consistently

Enjoyment is like a muscle: the more you use it, the stronger it gets.

When you approach this as an ongoing practice, not a one-time quest, you start to:

• Trust your preferences

• Recognize what’s truly aligned for you

• Build a life that reflects your values, not just others’ expectations

Turning Insight Into Action

If you’ve spent years tuned into everyone else, finding what you enjoy won’t happen overnight! Change can feel slow. What's the saying? "90% of grass grows underground."? Change will happen if you just start. When you understand the roots of people pleasing, learn to reconnect with your emotions through small, intentional experiments, and give yourself permission to explore without guilt, you begin to uncover what truly energizes you. Over time, you’ll not only rediscover joy, but also trust yourself more deeply and create a life that reflects your own values rather than living for everyone else’s expectations. Let this serve as your reminder to step out of autopilot, reconnect with yourself, and create a life you actually want to live. You don’t have to figure this out alone. If you’re ready to start making those changes, let’s talk!