Friendship Changes as an Adult: Why It Happens and How to Cope

Friendship changes are one of the most overlooked parts of adulthood. We expect certain relationships to end. Romantic relationships, career changes and family changes... but few of us prepare for the reality that adult friendships evolve, fade, or even end. If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why a friendship no longer feels right, you’re not alone!

Growing apart from friends can bring up is painful, but it’s also part of the natural rhythm of life. Understanding why friendships change as adults can bring clarity and even peace to a difficult experience.

Why Do Friendships Change in Adulthood?

1. Shifting Values

At the core of every strong friendship are shared values. As adults, our values can shift with time, new experiences and changes in persepective. Perhaps you once prioritized fun, freedom, or adventure, but now you may give way to new priorities like health, family, or personal growth.

When your values no longer align with a friend’s, the relationship can feel strained. You may start noticing your feelings changing when you spend time with this person. You might feel unseen, drained, or even disrespected. Opposing view points such as politics and religion are common values that can cause difficulties in connecting in a friendship, but even something like the common experience of

parenting can magnify friendship changes in adulthood. For example, some parents may focus on values of independence and resilience as core parenting values, whereas other parents may focus on protection and harmony. Both come from love, but they stem from different philosophies. Neither approach is inherently wrong, but when these differences show up in shared playdates, conversations, or school dynamics, they can create friction. Over time, the contrast in parenting values can strain adult friendships, leaving both sides feeling judged, misunderstood, or out of sync. Recognizing these differences doesn’t mean you can’t remain connected, but it does highlight how deeply personal values can shape the friendships we sustain as adults.

2. Different Ways of Connecting

Friendship isn’t just about liking each other, it’s about how you engage. Some friends thrive on frequent texts, others may prefer speaking on the phone. Some prefer consistent contact while others prefer occasional but meaningful check-ins. When your styles don’t match, it creates distance. Neither is wrong, it just may not be sustainable for both of you.

3. Lifestyle Changes

One of the biggest reasons adult friendships change is lifestyle. Desired lifestyle is one of those things

that can change over time depending on a variety of different life experiences. Maybe you once bonded through late nights out and sharing a bottle of wine. But now, you’re in a season of prioritizing good sleep, balanced hormones, and overall health.

"Friendship isn’t just about liking each other, it’s about how you engage."

That shift doesn’t erase the good memories, it just means you’ve grown in a different direction at the moment. If a friend can’t or doesn’t want to adapt to this new chapter, the friendship may start to feel stuck in the past.

When Friendship Turns Toxic

It’s normal for friends to change. But there’s a difference between drifting apart and feeling mistreated.

Red flags in adult friendships often include:

• Consistent Put-Downs: Teasing, sarcasm, or “jokes” that leave you feeling small or embarrassed.

• Competition Instead of Support: They seem to downplay your successes, compare themselves to you, or secretly root against you.

• Energy Drain: After spending time with them, you feel exhausted, anxious, or heavy rather than uplifted.

• Lack of Respect for Boundaries: They ignore your “no,” pressure you into situations, or dismiss what you say you need.

• Conditional Acceptance: They’re warm and kind when it suits them, but withdraw or punish you emotionally if you don’t do what they want.

• Gossip & Betrayal: Sharing your private struggles with others, or talking negatively about you behind your back.

• Control Dynamics: Subtle manipulation, guilt-tripping, or keeping score in order to maintain power in the relationship.

• Lack of Accountability: When issues come up, they deflect, blame, or refuse to own their part.

• Emotional Rollercoaster: Extreme highs (intense connection, fun) followed by lows (conflict, dismissal) that keep you off balance.

If you notice dread before seeing them, or relief when plans get canceled, your nervous system is already telling you something’s off. A healthy friendship should feel supportive, not like you’re walking on eggshells.

The Value of Outgrowing Friendships

Losing or outgrowing a friend can be a clarifying experience. For some it may feel like grief. There’s nostalgia, guilt, and second-guessing. For others, there is relief and a sense of peace that they no longer have to manage a relationship that was clearly not adding to their life in a meaningful or healthy way. Both experiences are valid, and often, they coexist, reminding us that even endings can carry both sadness and freedom and opportunities for growth.

Through friendship changes, you gain clarity about:

• The kind of connection that nourishes you.

• Your non-negotiable values.

• The boundaries that keep you healthy.

Moving Forward With Confidence

Friendship changes in adulthood can be both painful and freeing. It takes courage to accept when a relationship no longer serves you, but doing so creates space for connections that truly align.

Because when you know who you are, and what you value, you’re far more likely to build friendships that feel safe, mutual, and deeply fulfilling.

If you’re in a season of friendship change, know this: you are not alone. Many adults experience these shifts, especially during life transitions. And while it’s hard, letting go of friendships that no longer fit is often the exact step that makes room for more authentic, life-giving connections.