Breaking Free from the Avoidance Cycle: Choosing Courage Over Fear

We’ve all been there... you know what you need to do, you want to take that step forward that would move you closer to the life you want. Maybe it’s setting a boundary, applying for the opportunity, having the hard conversation, or simply admitting to yourself what you really want. But then fear creeps in. And suddenly… you avoid. The truth is, most of us don’t get stuck because we don’t know what to do. We get stuck because fear convinces us not to.

You tell yourself it’s “not the right time” or that you’ll circle back to it later. The hard part is, avoidance feels like relief at first. Which is comforting to most people. You begin to learn that avoidance spares you from the discomfort of rejection, failure, or even just change. But underneath, that decision doesn’t disappear. It lingers. And with time, regret shows up, often hand-in-hand with shame.

This is the cycle so many of us know well:Fear → Avoidance → Relief → Regret/Shame → More Avoidance.

The more times we repeat it, the heavier it feels. Needs and wants get pushed further down, almost buried. But they don’t die. They resurface as restlessness, resentment, or even a sense that life is passing you by. It’s exhausting. And it keeps us looping in the same place, wondering why nothing changes.

Why We Do This

Avoidance is a form of protection. Our brains are wired to keep us safe, but in modern life, “safe” doesn’t always mean “alive and fulfilled.” Avoiding risk can seem easier in the moment, but over time, it actually chips away at the very sense of safety and trust we’re craving, because we stop trusting ourselves to show up for what matters.

5 Ways to Start Tackling the Avoidance Cycle

1. Name the Fear Out Loud: Fear often feels bigger in the dark. Write it down or say it aloud: “I’m afraid if I apply, I’ll be rejected.” or “I’m afraid if I speak up, people won’t like me.” Naming it takes away some of its power and brings it into the light.

2. Ask Yourself - What’s the Cost of Avoiding?: When you notice yourself pulling back, flip the script. Instead of asking, “What if I fail?” ask, “What will it cost me to keep avoiding this?” Regret, missed chances, stalled growth... these costs are often heavier than the fear itself.

3. Shrink the First Step: Fear tells us the whole mountain has to be climbed at once. Instead, shrink the action. Don’t think about the entire application, just draft the first sentence. Don’t think about fixing the whole relationship, just start with one honest conversation. Small steps break the spell of avoidance.

4. Expect Discomfort and See It as Progress: Discomfort isn’t a sign you’re failing; it’s proof you’re growing. Get used to the butterflies, the sweaty palms, the awkward silence. That’s what growth feels like.

5. Anchor Back Into What You Want: Every time fear rises, ask: What is it I really want on the other side of this? A deeper connection? A chance to grow? A life that feels like mine? Holding that vision makes the risk worth it.

   
   

A Final Word

If you’re reading this and recognizing yourself in this cycle, take a deep breath. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. You’re simply human. Fear will always show up, unfortunately, it’s part of the deal of being alive. But choosing action despite the fear you feel is something each of us has the capacity to do. Every time you take one step forward, you remind yourself: I can do hard things. I can trust myself. I can create the life I want.

Don’t let fear be the loudest voice in your story. You get to choose courage, one step at a time. And one day, you’ll look back and realize you’ve been building the life you longed for, brick by brick, brave choice by brave choice.